Seedy K’s Pigskin Palaver: Mediocrity, Bon Mots & Bad Woofs +++

Culling the landscape of college football.

How Many Syllables Kamario? Couldn’t help myself. It’s an obscure reference to a line in the cult movie classic, “Putney Swope.” I could have titled this “More Cowbell” but I wanted to be subtler than that.

Anyhow the Mississippi State Flavor of the Month QB — last name Taylor — continues to shine for the 4-0 Bulldogs. He showed Mizzou. 27/38. 360 yards. Three TD passes.

And he’s got a rising RB alongside, a dude with the boffo name, Fluff Bothwell.

Excellence in Refereeing Nomenclature. Longhorn stud Colin Simmons sacked a Rocky Topper for the umpteenth time Saturday in front of Kirk, Herbie and other luminaries. At which point, he made a previously unseen on the gridiron poo poo ka ka gesture, for which he was flagged 15 yards for Unnecessary Stupidity.

Head Zebra Kyle Olson, explaining the basis for the infraction, stated it was for “simulating the use of a restroom.”

Euphemisms ‘r’ Us.

Felonious Woofing. Southern Cal LB Desman Stephens was guilty of as vicious and dirty a hit as has been perpetrated this season. He launched himself into obviously sliding Oregon QB Dante Moore, full speed shoulder pad to the helmet.

As Moore lay motionless on the turf attended by medical personnel, Stephens was parading around for the crowd, and laughing it up with his mates on the bench.

To its credit, Southern Cal suspended Stephens for its next game.

And the kid issued a public apology.

Most Average Programs. In the aftermath of NC State’s last second gaffe of the ages a week ago against Vandy, pigskin scribe Austin Meek at theathletic endeavored to calculate the most average schools traditionally in the sport. Those that are never too good, or ever really bad, always hovering between 5, 6, 7 wins or so.

Topping the list: The Wolfpack of North Carolina State University, coached by Dave Doeren.

Surprised?

Of interest, Virginia was #3, North Carolina #4, and Boston College #8. Former league colleague Maryland, despite historical standouts Jack Scarbath and Boomer Esiason, was #10.

Thus, without further calculation, it seems clear the Most Average of the P4 confederations: Atlantic (& Pacific) Coast Conference. A&PCC. A/K/A ACC.

Indiana Hoosiers. Taking a step back.

Florida Gators. Grateful for landing its second choice Jon Sumrall. Who is significantly not as onerous as their first choice, whose name I needn’t mention. The Swamp is pumped.

Too Many Bros. Johnny Knoxville sitting alongside Pat McAfee on Game Day.

Flinching Nick Saban looked like he wanted to take a shower during commercial break.

“Rocky Top” Tabulation. I guess it’s something sorta like dotting the “I” of Script OHIO in BuckeyeLand by senior sousaphone players.

There’s actually a member of the Pride of the Southland Band with one of those hand counter clicker things who keeps track of every time the Tennessee band plays that bluegrass classic during a game.

Later tabulates it on a Google Spreadsheet, according to writer Matt Baker who took a deep dive into the phenomenon.

It’s been a thing since 2013.

Before Saturday’s T is for Texas, T is for Tennessee meeting in Knoxville, the total was 4,533.

In 2025, it was played 350 times, about 27 a game. Which is about the norm since calculations began. Though it seems like thrice that, correct?

The record: 53. Which was one more than the Vols scored in their epic 52-49 W over the Crimson Tide that day.

Taking a Half Dozen. Pitt QB Mason Heintschel threw six TD passes in the Panthers assault of Bucknell. Second time this season the sophomore has done so.

Tit for Tat. Iowa walked off Michigan in the Big House. TD pass with zeros on the clock.

Hee, hee.

Captain Blood. The Minnesota Golden Gophers up set Washington’s Huskies Saturday night.

Of course, Ski-U-Mah U’s irrepressible coach P.J. Fleck was exuberant.

Such that when he postgame embraced defensive star Maverick Baranowski, who had blood running out of his mouth, Fleck smeared some on his own cheek.

Insurance. The other day on one of those morning TV talk shows, one of the talking heads offered how important backup QBs are in the NFL.

Same for college.

When Dante Moore was assaulted and taken off the field in a cart, former Cornhusker starter Dylan Raiola stepped in and led the Quack to victory over the Trojans. 289 yards, two TD tosses.

Financial Malfeasance. How’s absurd recent Lincoln Riley contract extension working?

About as well as that of his successor at Oklahoma.

— c d kaplan